Speechless

There have been so many feelings in my life these past two days that have circulated throughout my head that have left me speechless. This sense of "speechlessness" has left me almost paralyzed in thought when trying to wrap my mind around the events of the world. I'm speechless with too many words. The thoughts that I am feeling over the Terrorist attacks on Paris on Friday, November 13th, 2015 are overwhelming me so much that I am unable to adequately transform these feelings into words that would be sensitive enough for the situation yet at the same time would also truthfully portray them.

I feel proud. I'm proud of the global response in support of the French.

I feel frustrated. I'm mad. I'm so mad that I want to stomp around and shout and yell at the top of my lungs. The part of all of this violence that frustrates me is that I have to have a discussion on senseless violence and terrorists with my sophomore students. Obviously, I'm angry that this discussion has to happen at all with any of my students but my anger resonates for my sophomores who have so much love and excitement for the French culture but have, in their short year and a half of studying the language that I love, have already had a conversation eerily similar to the one that we will be having tomorrow. The idea that this type of attack on Paris is "normal" in the minds of my students makes me angry. I spend my days teaching them the beauty of the language and the culture but it's hard to change their perception that is a normal Friday afternoon when the streets of Paris bleed. I'm frustrated.

I feel sad. I'm heartbroken for the families of all the victims. I'm heartbroken for the people of France who have had their entire lives turned upside down again. I'm sad that there are people who lost loved ones and that there are people who will now be discriminated against more due to having the same color skin or God as the perpetrators. I'm sad that the world has been forced to come together singing refrains of La Marseillaise in order to show solidarity against these terrorists. I'm sad.

I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I feel hurt by this massacre. I'm not French therefore the feeling that my life has been affected in such a way that I feel violated leaves me with pangs of guilt.  I feel guilty that I'm not there in France suffering alongside my friends and my family. I feel guilty that I'm glad that I'm not there. I feel guilty whenever I find myself smiling or laughing. I feel guilty to my life here in the States by feeling guilty for smiling.

I feel afraid. I'm afraid what I would choose to do if I were the one to have the power to make the decisions.

I feel uneasy.

I feel unprepared.

I feel overwhelmed with emotion.

With all of these feelings running around in my head, I'm not sure when these feelings will formulate themselves into politically correct and intelligent sentences. So, for now, I'm speechless.